Del Perro Pier Shut Down After Dozens Injured in Fight Over E-Cola Machine
DEL PERRO – What began as a sunny, carefree afternoon on the pier spiraled into pure pandemonium when an E-Cola vending machine ran dry.
According to witnesses, the trouble started around 3:12 PM when two men reached for the final can of E-Cola simultaneously. Words were exchanged, tempers flared, and within seconds, fists were flying. Pier security responded within minutes but quickly found themselves overwhelmed as the dispute escalated into a full-scale pier brawl involving vendors, tourists, and several street performers.
“We just heard shouting, and then this crazy mime out of nowhere clocks a guy with an invisible bat,” said local vendor Marvin, who was selling churros during the melee. “I thought he was acting, turns out, he wasn’t.”
Security footage reviewed by Weazel News paints a chaotic scene: surfboards swung like battle axes, selfie sticks brandished as spears, and at least one individual reportedly attempted to set fire to a stack of promotional E-Cola flyers while screaming, “Sprunk for life!”
Pier merchants reported extensive property damage, including overturned kiosks, shattered snow cone machines, and at least one stolen caricature stand that was later found abandoned near Vespucci Beach with the words “Cola or Chaos” scrawled across the easel.
By the time LSPD units arrived, the scene had devolved into what one officer described as “a soda-fueled free-for-all.” Officers deployed non-lethal beanbag rounds to disperse the crowd, but not before 14 individuals were transported to Pillbox Hill Medical Center with injuries ranging from broken noses to severe sunburn sustained while wrestling shirtless on the pier planks.
The vending machine that sparked the melee did not escape unscathed. When Weazel crews returned to the scene, the unit had been spray-painted with the words “Sprunk Nation Forever,” while its coin slot had been forcibly removed.
No arrests have been made, though LSPD says they are reviewing security footage and social media posts to identify “primary agitators.” Sources inside the department tell Weazel News that several suspects are believed to be affiliated with rival beverage fan communities, raising concerns that Los Santos could be on the verge of a renewed Cola War.
LSPD has issued a statement urging residents to “remain calm, stay hydrated responsibly, and avoid turning refreshment disputes into public safety hazards.” Meanwhile, E-Cola has promised to “reassess distribution logistics” to prevent future shortages, a move that many consider too little, too late.
As cleanup crews swept shards of glass and discarded soda cans from the boardwalk, one weary pier worker summed up the day’s events: “People came here for memories and left with concussions. All over a drink that tastes like battery acid.”
