Weazel Investigates: The 300-Burger Firehouse Mystery in Fort Carson

By the Weazel Investigates Team

Fort Carson, San Andreas – Most small-town firehouse scandals involve petty squabbles over who gets the good recliner or someone forgetting to fill the coffee pot. But in Fort Carson, the drama now comes in the form of a grease-soaked paper bag.

Weazel Investigates has learned that roughly 300 BurgerShot meals were recently purchased on the fire department’s budget. The burgers, fries, and assorted mystery meat patties were then stacked into the station’s refrigerators and, over the following week, reheated and served to firefighters, visitors, and whoever was unlucky enough to be on ride-along duty.

No one is directly admitting who placed the order, but one name keeps coming up in whispered conversations around the dusty firehouse: Bender. Depending on who you ask, he’s either the hero who “brought dinner for the team” or the guy responsible for turning half the station into a case study for foodborne illness.

The BurgerShot Meltdown

The BurgerShot staff in Fort Carson still hasn’t recovered. When we asked about the infamous order, the cashier rolled her eyes so hard she nearly fell out of her chair.

“Three. Hundred. Burgers. Do you know how stupid you sound asking for that? We thought it was some prank call. Then he said it was for the fire department. Next thing I know, a fire truck is clogging up my drive-thru like it’s a damn parade float. We had customers screaming for one cheeseburger while we were bagging up hundreds for a guy who looked way too proud of himself.”

Another employee chimed in from the fryer:

“We had to drag out an old fryer from the back that still had grease from 1998. The whole kitchen smelled like shit. One guy on shift cried...”

They admit it took nearly two hours, during which regular customers stormed off. The receipt reportedly stretched three feet long.

Refrigerators of Regret

Back at the firehouse, the burgers weren’t a quick morale boost. They were stuffed into fridges into blocks, displacing anything remotely healthy. Milk, eggs, and fresh produce were tossed aside to make room for sacks of BurgerShot shame.

One firefighter said bluntly:

“You open the fridge and it looked like a BurgerShot crime scene. Burgers everywhere, grease dripping down into the crisper drawer. It was like the fridge itself gave up on life.”

Microwaves worked overtime, rattling as they reheated burgers until buns turned brittle, cheese turned gray, and wrappers fused into the meat like edible wallpaper. Some firefighters called it “plastic lasagna.” Others just stopped eating.

The stomach issues arrived fast. At least half a dozen firefighters and ride-alongs reported nausea, cramps, and dizziness.

“I bit into mine and the cheese was gray. That’s not cheese anymore” one firefighter told Weazel Investigates.

Another confessed:

“I didn’t even make it to the fire pole. Enough said.”

The Trash and the Trail

At first glance, nothing seemed unusual, firefighters do swing by BurgerShot from time to time. But one firefighter admitted:

“We do stop at BurgerShot for meals every now and then, but nothing crazy. Well… I did see a bunch of wrappings in the trash can at the station. Didn’t think much of it until the EPA showed up.”

Sure enough, days later, EPA officials in hazmat suits were spotted behind the Fort Carson firehouse digging through dumpsters. Residents watched as bags were carted off into unmarked vans.

When tracked down by Weazel News reporters and asked directly about his involvement, Bender himself gave a short but memorable statement:

“Oh lord… I deny it all.”

No further elaboration, no explanation, just denial, leaving more questions than answers. Was he scapegoated? Was it a group decision? Or is Fort Carson’s firehouse covering up a burger conspiracy thicker than the grease at the bottom of a fryer?

BurgerShot corporate, meanwhile, released a statement essentially blaming everyone but themselves:

“Our food is safe when consumed immediately. Refrigerating and reheating 300 burgers over several days is not within our serving guidelines. BurgerShot cannot be held liable for melted wrappers, questionable storage methods, or general stupidity.”

The statement ended with a coupon for “Buy one, get one” valid at the Fort Carson location

Residents of Fort Carson have had enough. Protesters gathered outside the firehouse with signs reading “Hoses & Hoes, Not Hamburgers!” and “No More Burger Budgets!”

One furious taxpayer told us:

“I’m out here breaking my fuckin back at the quarry to pay for services. Turns out my money is paying for reheated grease burgers. If I wanted my tax dollars flushed down the toilet, I’d have voted for city hall to build another fountain.”

Meanwhile, Weazel Investigates combed through the records. The burger purchase slipped through under “provisions” a vague category with almost no oversight.

Budget watchdogs warn this loophole could lead to more nonsense. One even told us: “If burgers slid through, what’s next? A pallet of Meteor sodas for sanitation, a truckload of tacos for public works? Fort Carson taxpayers deserve better than a fast-food free-for-all.”

For now, the EPA hasn’t released its findings, the Fire Chief isn’t talking, and the citizens of Fort Carson are left with more questions than answers.

Did the firehouse truly waste public money on a burger hoard? Was it mismanagement, miscommunication, or something darker, wrapped in grease-stained paper?

All we know is that 300 burgers later, Fort Carson smells less of civic duty and more like microwaved shit.