WEAZEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE: Fort Carson Firefighter Hospitalized After Consuming Evidence in Ongoing “Burger Fridge” Investigation
Fort Carson, San Andreas — Just when federal agents thought they could finally close the file on the Burger Fridge Incident, the case has taken an even greasier turn. The Fort Carson Fire Department’s most infamous culinary casualty Bender is now hospitalized after reportedly consuming leftover evidence tied to the ongoing investigation.
According to Pillbox Medical Center staff, Bender was admitted earlier this week following a “massive myocardial event brought on by a self-inflicted calorie catastrophe.” Witnesses say he was seen “sweating, glowing, and muttering about unfinished business” moments before collapsing in the firehouse kitchen.
After Jax's Recovery Services successfully extracted the now-infamous biohazard refrigerator from Fort Carson Fire Department through the roof, investigators believed they had secured all evidence in the case. They were wrong.
Sources within the department confirm that firefighter Mason "Bender" discovered a cache of BurgerShot meals that had been stored in a previously unknown storage closet – burgers that investigators had no idea existed during the multi-day extraction operation. According to internal fire department communications and statements obtained by Weazel News, Bender allegedly consumed the entire hidden stash of two-week-old and even decades old rotten meals, rapidly gaining approximately 400 pounds in what medical professionals are describing as "physiologically improbable" weight gain that raises more questions than answers.
“He said something like, ‘No burger left behind,’ then just went for it,” said one traumatized firefighter. “We tried to stop him, but by the time we found gloves, he was already halfway through what looked like a quarter-pounder from 1998.”
Medical Staff Describe Uncharted Territory
Doctors at Pillbox Medical say Bender’s condition is “unprecedented.”
“He came in with his arteries making noises,” said Dr. B. Romanetti, the attending cardiologist. “Not metaphorically — they were whistling. I’ve seen high cholesterol before, but this is performance art.” He remains hospitalized under observation, and according to medical staff who spoke on condition of anonymity, "has not gone down in size" despite medical intervention.
Dr. Lap, Chief of Cardiology at Pillbox, declined to comment on Bender's specific case citing patient privacy laws, but did offer general commentary: "When you're talking about someone consuming that volume of processed fast food in such a short timeframe, you're looking at catastrophic levels of sodium, saturated fats, and preservatives. The human body simply isn't designed to process that kind of assault on the cardiovascular system."
“He’s stable,” one nurse did tell Weazel News, “but we’re afraid to feed him anything solid. We gave him an IV and he started smelling like fryer grease again.”
Medical experts consulting with Weazel News have raised concerns about the physiological impossibility of Bender's reported weight gain, suggesting that the situation may be even stranger than initially reported.
"Gaining 400 pounds in a matter of days isn't just unlikely – it's essentially impossible through normal metabolic processes," explained Dr. Webb, a bariatric specialist at Mount Zonah Medical Center who is not involved in Bender's care. "Even if he consumed every burger in that closet and we're hearing there were at least 50 to 70 meals, the timeline doesn't add up with normal human physiology."
What's not in dispute is that Bender remains in Pillbox Medical Center's cardiac unit, where sources say he's under 24-hour observation and has had multiple consultations with cardiology, endocrinology, and psychiatric specialists.
He is expected to make a swift recovery thanks to an experimental new drug from BruteForce Pharmaceuticals, a proud division of Humane Labs & Research, best known for creating things that probably shouldn’t be inside the human body. The drug, dubbed TrimAll XR, promises to “melt fat at record speed”.
Bender was selected as one of the first human test subjects due to his “unique nutritional history,” which doctors politely described as “catastrophic.” Early tests show the drug boosting metabolism so high that patients are advised to stay away from flammable materials, mirrors, and mirrors near flammable materials.
Despite the risks, Bender reportedly signed up “for science,” and allegedly because someone told him it might make beer taste better. One nurse described him as “remarkably optimistic for someone who just swallowed something with a glowing label.”
The Cover-Up That Wasn't – Or Was It?
Federal investigators are now scrambling to understand how a substantial quantity of burgers went undetected during their initial investigation, and whether Bender's consumption of the hidden evidence constitutes obstruction of justice or simply an unfortunate discovery.
"We conducted a thorough sweep of the facility during the extraction operation," admitted FIB Special Agent Kaper, who is leading the financial crimes portion of the investigation. "Apparently not thorough enough. The closet in question was unmarked and located behind what appeared to be a utility panel. We had no reason to believe additional food items were stored anywhere other than the refrigerator."
The revelation has raised uncomfortable questions about how the burgers ended up in a hidden closet in the first place. Fire department personnel claim the closet was "forgotten" and rarely accessed, but investigators are now examining whether someone deliberately concealed evidence before the initial investigation began.
"Look, we've seen people try to hide evidence before," Kapers continued. "But hiding 50-plus burgers in a secret closet? That's either incredible foresight or incredible stupidity. We're still trying to figure out which."
The timing remains suspicious. Sources within the Fort Carson Fire Department confirm that Bender made the discovery shortly after the successful extraction operation concluded – just when investigators believed they had wrapped up the physical evidence collection phase of their investigation.
Fire Department: “We’re Trying to Move On”
When reached for comment, Fort Carson Fire Department officials said they’ve since patched the hole in the roof left by the extraction effort and have “mostly” aired out the smell. The department was praised by federal investigators for their cooperation with authorities throughout the investigation.
However, Weazel News has learned that despite closing the hole in their roof, the department has been unable to afford a replacement refrigerator, creating an ironic situation where the very budget crisis that started this mess remains unresolved.
"So let me get this straight," said San Andreas Taxpayers Alliance analyst Jennifer "They had money to buy 300 burgers, money to repair a roof after a federal extraction operation, but no money for a basic appliance? The math isn't mathing here."
Internal budget documents show that the roof repairs, estimated at $95,000, were covered through emergency maintenance funds, ironically the same budget category that was originally used to justify the BurgerShot purchase. Meanwhile, the department's request for a new refrigerator, estimated at $600, has been denied pending the outcome of the federal investigation.
Community Reaction: From Folk Hero to Cautionary Tale
Public opinion on Bender has shifted dramatically since his hospitalization. The @BurgerBender300 Bleeter account, which once celebrated him as a folk hero with over 75,000 followers, has been deleted. The Hen House bar has discontinued its "Bender Special" cocktail, with owner Paul Alot explaining, "It seemed funny when it was just about bad budget decisions. Now that a guy's in the hospital with heart problems, it feels wrong to profit off it."
A small group of Bender supporters has organized outside Pillbox Medical Center, holding signs reading "FREE BENDER" and "BURGERS NOT CRIMES," though their numbers have dwindled since news of the potential criminal investigation became public.
What Happens Next?
Legal experts say Bender could face federal charges ranging from obstruction of justice to destruction of evidence. However, his current medical condition may complicate any prosecution.
"The prosecutors are in a difficult position," explained criminal defense attorney David. "If they charge him while he's hospitalized with serious cardiac issues, it looks incredibly harsh. But if they wait too long, defense attorneys will argue that the delay violates his speedy trial rights. Plus, there's the question of whether someone can be held criminally responsible for eating food that was technically purchased with public funds, even if it was purchased fraudulently."
The Fort Carson Fire Department faces its own reckoning. The city council has called for a complete audit of the department's finances, and State Fire Marshal investigators are reviewing whether any fire safety protocols were violated during the incident.
Meanwhile, Jax's Recovery Services has submitted a $18k bill for the successful extraction operation, a bill that has sat unpaid while the city determines which budget line can legally be used to cover "removing a biohazard refrigerator containing evidence in a federal investigation."
Bender remains in Pillbox Medical Center under observation. His condition is listed as stable but guarded. The burgers from the closet are gone. The refrigerator has been extracted and is currently in federal evidence storage.
The Fort Carson Fire Department continues to operate without a working refrigerator, a situation that a firefighter describes as "emblematic of this entire clusterfuck".
Federal investigators say they expect to conclude their audit within 30 days, with potential criminal referrals to follow.
Weazel News reached out to Bender's family for comment but received no response. His union representative, Firefighters Union Local 447, declined to comment on the ongoing investigation.
This is a developing story. Check back for updates.
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