WEAZEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE: We Spent Two Hours with Brother Kifflom and We're Still Not Sure What Happened
Blaine County - In what can only be described as one of the most unusual interviews in Weazel News history, our team ventured deep into the heart of Blaine County this week to sit down with the enigmatic leader of the Epsilon Program, Brother Kifflom himself.
Is the Epsilon Program a legitimate spiritual movement led by a passionate visionary? Or is it an elaborate money-making scheme fronted by a charismatic madman with excellent merchandising instincts and a very loose relationship with reality? Or—and hear us out—is Brother Kifflom actually ONTO something? We went to the source.
The sprawling desert compound, marked by its distinctive turquoise robes and peculiar architecture, has long been a source of fascination and controversy in San Andreas. But rarely does the reclusive spiritual leader grant interviews to mainstream media. Spoiler alert: We still have no idea what the Epsilon Program actually does, but we're now $5,000 poorer and deeply concerned about "the raptors."
Our news van rolled into the Epsilon compound in Blaine County at approximately 9 AM, where we were immediately stopped by three men in turquoise robes who informed us that parking would cost $500. When we protested, they explained that the money was for "spiritual vehicle purification." Our cameraman noted that they just pocketed the cash and wandered off.
The compound itself is a sprawling collection of buildings that look like someone let a color-blind architect loose with unlimited turquoise paint and a deep misunderstanding of geometry. Followers milled about chanting what sounded like "Kifflom, Kifflom, praise Kifflom" while others appeared to be arguing with trees.
Brother Kifflom emerged from the main building wearing the Program's signature robes and sunglasses despite being indoors. He greeted us with: "The tract is generous, the tract is great. Also, that'll be $5,000 for the interview processing fee."
THE INTERVIEW
Weazel News: Thank you for sitting down with us, Brother Kifflom. For our viewers who might not be familiar, can you explain what the Epsilon Program is?
Kifflom: What is the Epsilon Program? What ISN'T the Epsilon Program? We are the seekers of truth in a world of lies. We worship Kifflom, who is me, but also you, but mostly me. The tract has revealed to us the fundamental truths of the universe, which science refuses to acknowledge because science is a conspiracy invented by tree sympathizers.
WN: Right. So you've established your main compound here in Blaine County. Why this location specifically?
Kifflom: WHY?! WHY?!! Because the DESERT SPEAKS! The cosmic frequencies are purest here! The electromagnetic interference from Los Santos and their GODLESS CELL TOWERS can't penetrate this far! Also, like I said, property taxes. But MAINLY, because this is where the raptors will arrive. The tract showed me in a vision. I was in the desert, fasting—well, I'd actually just eaten a bad burrito from a gas station, but the spiritual effect is the same—and the sky OPENED UP. Not literally. But I SAW them. The raptors. Circling. Watching. WAITING.
WN: That's... you mentioned raptors. Can you elaborate on—
Kifflom: The RAPTORS! Yes! Finally, someone with the COURAGE to ask! Everyone else just wants to talk about the financial structure and the allegations and the restraining orders from the Parks Department. But YOU—you understand!
The celestial raptors are NOT the fake dinosaurs that never existed because evolution is a LIE propagated by Big Science to sell museum tickets! No, no, no. These are the WATCHERS. The OBSERVERS. Ancient beings of pure cosmic energy who take the form of raptors because—and this is key—because the raptor is the most perfect predator, the most efficient hunter, the most BEAUTIFUL expression of pure instinctual violence! [eyes wide, breathing heavily] They exist in the spaces between reality.
They can see through time. They can see through space. They can see through WALLS, probably. The tract isn't clear on that last part. But they're THERE. Always there. Watching. Judging. Taking notes, most likely. Our most enlightened members—the ones who've paid for the premium tier enlightenment package—they've been having VISIONS.
Brother Marcus—beautiful soul, he woke up last Tuesday screaming about "the gathering." The raptors are GATHERING. For what? For WHOM? For HALLOWEEN!
WN: Halloween? You're saying these... cosmic raptors... are coming on Halloween?
Kifflom: October 31st. All Hallows Eve. The night when the boundary between dimensions grows THIN. When the cosmic curtain PARTS. When the raptors can finally slip through the cracks in reality and manifest in our plane of existence! The tract has been building to this moment for YEARS!
They simply ARRIVE when the conditions are cosmically optimal! And our calculations—complex mathematical equations based on the tract, moon phases, and the number 157—ALL point to Halloween night! Probably around midnight. Maybe earlier. Could be later. The cosmos doesn't wear a WATCH! But it's HAPPENING! It's DEFINITELY happening! In fact, just last week,
Brother Chad—formerly known as Chad reported seeing strange lights hovering over the Alamo Sea. We performed a $10,000 spiritual reading on him and confirmed that he was, in fact, being observed by the raptors. Very exciting times.
WN: Or perhaps he just saw a plane?
Kifflom: [laughs for an uncomfortably long time] A plane. Yes. That's what the non-believers always say. But planes don't hover silently. Planes don't emit the sacred turquoise glow. Planes don't cause spontaneous enlightenment that coincidentally requires a $15,000 processing fee to properly integrate.
WN: That's... unsettling. When is this supposed to happen?
Kifflom: The veil between worlds grows thin as we approach All Hallows Eve. October 31st. Halloween. The tract has shown us that this is when the alignments favor their return. Or arrival. Or awakening. The tract is somewhat ambiguous on the specifics, but it's VERY clear about the date.
WN: So you're saying aliens are coming on Halloween?
Kifflom: I never said aliens. YOU said aliens. The raptors are beyond classification. Beyond human understanding. But yes, essentially, space raptors. Possibly. We're still workshopping the interpretation in our Tuesday evening study group.
WN: And what should people do if these... raptors... arrive?
Kifflom: Join the Epsilon Program, obviously. We're running a special right now and sign up before Halloween and you only pay $50,000 for Tier 1 enlightenment instead of the usual $75,000. We accept cash, wire transfers, and jewelry. No checks. We learned that lesson the hard way.
WN: That seems like you're exploiting people's fears—
Kifflom: EXPLOITING? We're SAVING. There's a difference. A $50,000 difference. Look, when the raptors descend from the cosmos on Halloween night—and they will, the tract is very clear about this—you'll wish you'd invested in spiritual protection. Will it definitely help? The tract doesn't guarantee results, per the fine print on page 157 of our spiritual contract. But can you afford NOT to try? The raptors will recognize them as WORTHY. But the others? The unenlightened masses who mock us, who laugh at our sacred ceremonies, who keep reporting us to code enforcement over the ceremonial bonfires? They will see. They will ALL see. The raptors will judge them.
WN: Let's talk about your organization's finances. Reports suggest—
Kifflom: The tract is GENEROUS! Money is simply energy, and energy flows where consciousness directs it! And consciousness has directed MILLIONS of dollars into our spiritual development fund over the past year! We've grown by 300%! THREE HUNDRED PERCENT! Do you know what that means?! It means people are WAKING UP! They're seeing the signs! They're hearing the call! They're liquidating their 401ks and sending us cashier's checks! It's BEAUTIFUL! [tears up] Sometimes I stand in our counting room—I mean, our meditation room—and I just WEEP at the generosity of the tract!
This isn't about money! Well, it's PARTLY about money. Money helps. Money is important. Money keeps the lights on and the ceremonial robes clean and my legal defense fund adequately stocked.
WN: And if nothing happens?
Kifflom: If... nothing... happens? IF NOTHING HAPPENS?! [laughs hysterically] Oh, that's RICH! That's PRECIOUS! You sound like my ex-wife! And my accountant! And the district attorney! But they're all WRONG! The raptors ARE coming! The tract GUARANTEED it! Well, "guaranteed" is a strong word. The tract more "strongly suggested" it.
WN: I think we have everything we need—
Kifflom: WAIT! WAIT! You need to tell your viewers! Tell them to look UP on Halloween night! Tell them the raptors are REAL! Tell them that Brother Kifflom tried to WARN them! Tell them it's not too late to join! We're still accepting applications! We've got a payment plan! Very reasonable interest rates! Tell them the cosmos is watching. Always watching.
Local Reactions: Confusion and Concern
We attempted to interview other Blaine County residents about the Epsilon Program's presence and these alleged "raptor" sightings.
Dale, local mechanic:
"These Epsilon lunatics have been out here every night for two weeks staring at the sky and chanting. EVERY. NIGHT. Last Tuesday they formed a human pyramid at 2 AM while screaming about mathematical constants. My dog won't stop barking. My wife can't sleep. I've called the sheriff seventeen times and they keep saying 'freedom of religion, sir.'
Well, what about freedom from CRAZY?! And now they're talking about raptors coming on Halloween? DINOSAUR raptors? SPACE raptors? I don't even KNOW anymore! I just want to sleep!"
Janet, Sandy Shores resident:
"Okay, look, I actually DID see some weird lights last weekend over the Alamo Sea. But I was also three margaritas deep on my neighbor's patio, so take that with a grain of salt. Could've been the military base doing exercises. Could've been swamp gas.
Could've been cosmic raptors from the seventh dimension. At this point, who the hell knows anymore in Blaine County? This place gets weirder every year. Last year we had that guy who thought he was a vampire. Year before that, the biker gang war. Now it's space raptors. Honestly? The raptors might be an improvement."
Jerry Lop, local... resident:
"Lights in the sky? LIGHTS IN THE SKY?! I've been seeing those for YEARS! Nobody believed me! Everyone said 'Jerry, you're crazy, Jerry , that's just a helicopter, Jerry, please put pants on.' But now everyone's talking about it? Where's MY interview, Weazel News?! I'VE GOT THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE SPACE RAPTORS!"
[At this point Mr. Jerry became agitated and we had to leave quickly]
What's Really Going On Here?
After spending two hours with Brother Kifflom, approximately $7,500 in various "fees" (they charged us for coffee, for oxygen, and for "spiritual contamination cleanup" after we left), and questioning every life choice that led us to this moment, we're left with more questions than answers and a new appreciation for normal, boring news assignments.
Dr. Sarah, local astronomer at the Galileo Observatory:
"There's been absolutely no unusual celestial activity that would explain these sightings. No anomalies. No unexplained phenomena. Nothing. I've been monitoring the skies for fifteen years and the only unusual thing I've seen lately is the number of Epsilon members showing up at our observatory at midnight demanding to 'commune with the raptors' through our telescope. We've had to install better locks. And a security guard. One of them tried to paint our telescope turquoise. Said the raptors would 'respect the commitment.' We're considering a restraining order."
The SAA confirmed no unusual air traffic over Blaine County in recent months, though they did note that someone—they wouldn't say who, but we can GUESS—keeps filing reports of "impending raptor incursions" and "cosmic vessels in holding patterns over Sandy Shores." They've had to create a special folder just for these complaints. The folder is reportedly very thick.
The Blaine County Sheriff's Department declined to comment officially but did provide us with a stack of incident reports related to the Epsilon compound, including: noise complaints (47), reports of suspicious activities (23), wellness checks (19), complaints about ceremonial bonfires violating burn bans (34), and one report of "attempted tree assassination" that's apparently still under investigation.
The Bottom Line
Is Brother Kifflom a visionary preparing his followers for an otherworldly Halloween encounter? A con artist who's found the perfect grift? A genuinely unstable individual who's convinced dozens of people to fund his delusions? Or and we're really reaching here, is he somehow, impossibly, actually RIGHT about the cosmic raptors?
Whatever the truth may be, one thing is absolutely certain: SOMETHING is happening in Blaine County. Whether it's an impending alien visitation, mass delusion, elaborate performance art, or the world's most profitable Halloween publicity stunt remains to be seen.
The Epsilon Program has grown exponentially this year. Brother Kifflom has gone from a desert hermit to a spiritual leader with millions in assets and a growing compound. His followers are true believers, convinced that Halloween will bring vindication. And across Blaine County, more and more people are reporting strange lights in the sky.
Are we all crazy? Is Kifflom crazy? Are the raptors real? We don't know. We genuinely don't know. And that might be the scariest part of this entire story.
We recommend San Andreas residents keep an eye on the skies this Halloween. Not because we believe in celestial raptors descending from the seventh dimension to judge humanity. But because we've already paid $7,500 to be part of this story, our cameraman has started chanting about the number 157, and we'll be DAMNED if nothing happens.
Brother Kifflom's final words as we left the compound, shouted from his roof while his followers formed what appeared to be a human mandala in the courtyard:
"SEE YOU ON HALLOWEEN, WEAZEL NEWS! ASSUMING THE RAPTORS DON'T GET YOU FIRST! THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE DEFINITELY COMING! THE TRACT IS GENEROUS! THE TRACT IS GREAT! KIFFLOM! KIFFLOOOOOM!"
We still don't know what any of this means. We're afraid to find out. But we'll be watching the skies on Halloween anyway.
Because what if?
