BREAKING: Station 280's Grand Opening Marred by Chair Scandal — "Tactical" Massage Chairs

STATION 280 — What was supposed to be a triumphant ribbon-cutting for the department's newest station has instead ignited a firestorm of controversy, after several units of the so-called "tactical massage chairs" arrived yesterday in what multiple sources are calling "a war crime against furniture."

The chairs, unveiled with great fanfare during yesterday's grand opening ceremony, were expected to be the crown jewel of Station 280's brand-new day room. Instead, eyewitnesses describe cracked vinyl, mysteriously sticky armrests, a faint but persistent smell that "no amount of febreze will fix," and at least one chair that reportedly hums on its own when unplugged.

"We were told these were brand new tactical-grade recovery chairs," said one probationary firefighter who wished to remain anonymous, still visibly traumatized. "Then I sat down and the massage function turned on by itself and made a sound of someone screaming"

Multiple sources close to the situation have alleged that the chairs did not, in fact, come fresh from the manufacturer as originally advertised, but were instead quietly reassigned from Station 260's day room, where they reportedly saw "several hard years of duty" that included, but were not limited to, being farted into with what one source described as "criminal intent,", at least two chili incidents, enduring enough spilled coffee to qualify as a beverage dispenser, and, in one particularly dark chapter, allegedly being used as the "emergency toilet" after the station bathrooms went out of service.

"Station 260 didn't donate those chairs, they exiled them," said a source who claims to have worked at both stations. "We used to call the recliner in the corner 'The Situation.' I have no idea which one they sent, but I have a bad feeling."

Station 260's administration has not returned The Daily Assumption's request for comment. The Daily Assumption will continue following this developing story