THE TOASTER HAS A RIFLE

A PHOTOGRAPH. That is all it took. One photograph, taken by a person who has asked us to describe them only as "terrified and employed," and now everything you believed about your kitchen appliances is over.

The image, which Weazel News obtained legally in the loosest possible sense of that word, shows a white bipedal machine standing in a room full of screens. On its chest, the Coil Motors emblem. In its hands, a rifle. Not a broom. Not a tray of complimentary beverages. A rifle.

Coil Motors, a company that until yesterday was known chiefly for cars that make no noise, has not returned eleven calls, four faxes, and one heartfelt voicemail left at 3:40 this morning by this reporter.

"It's probably a prototype for warehouse logistics," said a man on the street who we will not be quoting again.

Experts we did not consult agree: this is the single worst thing to happen to Los Santos since the last single worst thing. Sources close to the situation, meaning sources physically near the building, report the lights were on all weekend.

Officials urge calm. Weazel News urges the opposite, and urges it loudly, and urges it on every channel we own, continuously, until further notice.